Today's five.

The White House press secretary position is now something you can be offered on Truth Social, apparently. Trump posted Saturday that UFC CEO Dana White has been offered the job, adding that he'd like White to bring several professional fighters as "assistants" — including some who aren't American citizens. The Las Vegas Review-Journal asked the obvious question: is this real? Nobody's answered that yet. Bloomberg and The Hill treated it straight. Mother Jones noted the fighters would theoretically be available if a journalist asked something inconvenient. White hasn't publicly responded. The current press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, presumably found out the same way everyone else did.

A 25-year-old drove into one of Europe's most visited tourist squares on a Saturday afternoon and shot nine people dead — six in the square, three more relatives found dead at his home afterward. Polish authorities used the word "terror" quickly; they were slower to release his name. Interior Minister Kierwiński described him as holding "very radical" and "ultranationalistic" views. He drove to multiple spots in the square, firing at each stop, before police shot and wounded him. Main Square is Krakow's Old Town centerpiece — the kind of place that's always full of people, which was apparently the point.

The constitutional right to threaten impeachment is now apparently under federal investigation. Trump posted on Truth Social Saturday ordering the DOJ to probe Democratic lawmakers for "extortion" after they won back both chambers of Congress and promised aggressive oversight. He named Sen. Elissa Slotkin specifically — she said she was talking about accountability for lawbreaking, not retaliation. Trump offered no specific communications and no evidence of criminal conduct. Fox led with the impeachment threats; CNBC led with the absence of evidence. The opposition winning an election and announcing investigations has historically been called "the midterms." Now it has a DOJ file.

Two pilots walked away from an emergency landing in Lee County after their small plane clipped a pickup truck on Bayshore Road near I-75 — which is not how anyone's Tuesday is supposed to go. The plane developed a mechanical issue mid-flight; the truck was just heading east at the wrong moment. No injuries. The Lee County Sheriff's Office made a point of noting the recent stretch of aviation accidents in their statement, which is the official way of saying everyone was very aware of how differently this could have ended.

Florida’s most overpopulated jail is poised to reach an overcrowding milestone.