Today's five.

A domestic dispute call in a Columbia park ended with two officers shot, one dead, and the suspect also dead — the kind of Saturday afternoon that reframes everything. Officer Christopher DeLong, 29, had been on the force two years. He leaves a wife and two kids. The suspect, 33, had arrests across at least four states. The police chief appeared visibly shaken at the news conference. DeLong's wife posted about him on social media. The call came in as a domestic dispute, which is statistically one of the most dangerous things a patrol officer responds to.

Knowing the president's words before the public does turns out to be insider trading — who could have predicted. Gabriel Perez, who operated Trump's teleprompter between December 2025 and February 2026, bet on the content of presidential speeches via Kalshi, a platform where people wager on real-world events. The CFTC ordered him to surrender $107,539 in profits plus a $65,000 penalty. The Guardian noted the CFTC called it a "substantial discount" on what he could have owed — cooperation, presumably. The White House hasn't commented. Perez had already been on unpaid leave since July and won't be going back.

Corporations Got Called Out for Pretending to Move On

The same week Democratic politicians were quietly burying the "woke" brand, a watchdog group released a report arguing that 7-Eleven, BlackRock, Nike, and several others never actually changed anything. Consumers' Research named eight companies — including Carhartt, DraftKings, and Bank of America — and accused them of quietly maintaining the same practices while letting the news cycle do the rebranding work for them. Both outlets covering this ran the same headline, which either means the story wrote itself or someone had a very efficient PR operation. The companies haven't responded publicly, which is its own kind of answer.

A gang in Haiti kidnapped more than 50 people, killed some of them, and released 13 — six children and seven women — nearly a week later, after UNICEF worked with community leaders to negotiate the release. Three of those children were under two years old. UNICEF called it "a rare moment of hope," which is a phrase that only makes sense in a place where the baseline has gotten this bad. The agency was careful to note that the Kenscoff attack wasn't unusual — just visible. The other 37 or so people are still unaccounted for.

Accusing a federal law enforcement officer of stealing cinnamon rolls is a bold strategy, and it did not pay off. A Florida bakery — the viral kind, the kind with lines around the block and a Instagram following — apparently leveled a $3,000 theft accusation at a customer who turned out to be a Border Patrol agent. The accusation was false. The Tampa Bay Times has the full story, though most of it sits behind a paywall, which feels appropriate for something this chaotic. What we know is enough: the cinnamon rolls were never stolen, and someone had a very bad week.